I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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