he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
