There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
