Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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