Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
