On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
