I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
