My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
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that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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