I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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