hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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