If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
