I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
