I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
