Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
