Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
