Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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