She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize