I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
