Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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