I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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