Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just invented taco cereal.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
