I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
sarcasm needs its own font
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
