I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
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I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
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I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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