She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
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8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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