I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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