My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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