so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
