My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
