We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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