Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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