I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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