Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
