I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
