She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
