Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
