hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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