when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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