Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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