That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
