I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
the raccoons are back...
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