it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
