don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
