I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
