Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
