just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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