I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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