you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
