12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
