Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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