My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
