I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
two words...techno handjob
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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