im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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