my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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