Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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