I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
