It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
