Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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