I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize