It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
